Ubergirl Blog

I went to bed on saturday in pajamas, underwear and a vest top. Sunday earlyish my husband woke me up and i knew what he wanted.
I moved tot eh very end of the bed but he followed. I said no, i squeezed my legs together. He didn't rape me but what he did hurt me. It makes me feel empty and dead to say it. He was punching me violentlY between my legs. When it was all over, his breathing calmed down and he began to snore. I showered and made it through the day. I did say no. I should have done more to stop him. I can hardly look at him. He has been feeling unwell all day and slept so i've been busy and out all day. Trying to be busy anyway. He's in bed again. And i am so tired. I din't know what to do.

Today I am writing about 2 of my friends. One guy and one ex g/f. I am fed up of wallowing right now. I'm concerend I've forgotton my friends in my self obsessed few months.

He is an 'orphan' too. Not quite so recent but he is bereft of close family too. He also has a background of depression. He lives in a teeny shoe box of a house with no natural day light. He likes to keep himself to himself .. And … he doesn't have a telly [I know!]. I 'think' he is fighting some horrid blues of his own. I've known him for a couple of years and been close to him for about a year. In that time I've opened up and told him a lot about myself that would possibly horrify most middle class, middle of the road fluffy mummsie types that I'm forced to mix with. Nothing phases him about me which is a considerable relief when I do consider myself to be quite deviant and weird. I really do cover up ex junkie, bi-sexual, ex council trash, ex brought up partly in care and living on prozac quite well and give out well educated, fun spirited, mildly excentric very much together strong women - I have a career and read anything I can get my hands on. He see's through that though. Like I've been rumbled.
He's been a rock for me and verbally slapped me back into place when I've been full of self pity and sorrow and he's forced himself to cheer me up when that must be really hard for him to do. But I have been incredibly grateful for his friendship. In some ways he's sort of saved me and forced me to look at my behaviour.
He's unhappy about his career, where he lives, obviously the loss of both parents and the fact that he's gay makes identifying with people who have an understanding of where he's coming from really hard in this backwater of a place where we live.
Now if I do the 'you ok isit' thing .. He'll say yes. Exactly like me. If I do the subtle 'lets do summut over the wkend' thing he'll say no he wants to chill at home. My depression is forced into non existance by having a sunshine boy who is 5 and is a constant reminder for me to at least go through the motions of living. I worry as whilst I am clearly grieving and feel horrifically low a lot of the time, I HAVE to press pause. I HAVE to do mummy things. There is no choice. Whilst when I'm on my own and if I'm being honest there have been some very dark times when I've been inches away from really trying to end my own life, I haven't have I ?. Today I am glad of that [and thankful for the samaritans too]. Today I am coping just nicely thank you very much - I am nicely dressed, I am giggling and I am clearly thinking about other people, but I'm scared that he might do something and I would break if that happened. I have seen people attempt suicide seriously. Each time I've seen it I've removed myself from emotion and I know that that is the root cause of me struggling to form bonding relationships, allways keeping people out and allways living in fear that the people I know will die or want to die and my fear is that i am to blame either in part or entirely. I don't want it to happen to someone else who I regard as a beautiful spirit who's just had a fucking long run of bad luck.

Whilst I'm on it I want to write about my other friend. This is the girl who I essentially had a brief 4 month relationship with whilst at uni some 12/ 13 years ago. I knew it was meaningless bollocks and after we went on to become incredibly close friends. Like all the women I fall for she is a total bitch. Completely in control of her own life - she is the centre and everyone else orbits and gets a look in now and then. I completely love her. I love her for having the balls to be shallow, for building up the highest of walls ensuring only the most able can scale it and those people who do she keeps. I am one of them. I know that beneath the Dior, Mulberry and Prada she's totally desperate to be the most successful women in the world. To be the best. Incredibly hung up on achieving that and very driven. So if things happen that get in the way of that .. That's her thing. Then she crawls into bed too, then the slap comes off and the pajamas go on. So we aren't so different after all. I'm a much more emotional mess than her but that's her switch. She was the only person, for all the years my mum had cancer, would check up on me and ask me directly about her. Would send me flowers and let me cry every now and then but would allways make sure after I'd bawled my eyes out that mascara was reapplied and she made me focus on shoes. I owe her A LOT.

So, you know when you get to make a wish. Like I guess if you see a shooting star, or say something at the same time as someone else etc .. I allways make a wish for these 2 people.
For C - I wish him a shit load of money. So he can retrain and explore everything he's allways wanted to explore, so he can live somehwere nice and spend time making himself better and so, eventually, he can meet someone who he falls in love with and settles down with and wakes up every day feeling happy and has a reason. I have a 5 year old reason. I am very very lucky.

For my ex g/f I wish her strength, it amazes me her walls have never crumbled. I worry that they will one day. You see she's 36 now. And the clock is ticking. She wants a fucking baby iyswim but I fear this could mean such a reversal for her she won't cope - the Prada means fuck all when you've had an average of 5 broken hours sleep a night for the 3rd week in a row - I got full on pnd that I don't talk about much but those months were long and hard and yes, with hindsite the making of me. But she's starting to talk about it more and more - so I hope, whatever path she chooses she is strong enough to sail on through it.

So … there you go karma / butterfly effect. I love my friends - now lets feel the love back.

Happy birthday for yesterday Mike!.. Just so its out there ay!

Spiritualists and mediums. Good / bad .. praying on the vunerable, desperate and naive or a metaphysical possibility?

Ya see, i have to ask my mum something and my dad too. For advice really. Head doctors don't give out advice ... they make you do all the realization. Which i'm not capable of doing right now.
Want to talk about my bloke and if i should stay with him, want to talk about what my dad wants me to do about retraining. Want to talk about my boy and how they think he'll be affected if i make some big decisions. My friend H is very militant and won't entertain my current 'well i don't think i'm strong enough to leave him and maybe he'll change' .. i really don't love him at all but i have no idea what to do.
Rationally i know or at least i think i know that it is a sham and a mockery.... but wierd things keep on happening and i'm curious to know what it all means.
I'm being stalked by a robin every morning he is opposite my kitchen window. When i go out for a fag he's there.
My dad wore tabac and i smell it everywhere. [ok well i do spray it all over my bedroom when i'm feeling sad.] but that doesn't explain the cigar smoke i smell in the middle of the night.
I dreamt my mum had rung to talk to me and i was poorly behaved and told her i was too busy to talk. I keep dreaming my dad turned up to his own funeral and sat next to me looking at the box. Its really vivid. His hands were massive and scratchy and i feel them in my sleep. He was allways uncomfortable giving out physical attention so i'd often be minding my own business and suddenly find my hand had nearly been broken with sudden squeezy hand hold. Or unable to breath as he'd decided to hug me. I miss him. I'd love to hug him once more, or to hear him declare 'God Lors Lilly' - he had a brummie accent but spent years speaking in the queens english so he allways sounded mega posh.
My mum .. i have so many issues i never got to explore, never put to bed, never discussed. I find as the weeks go by sometimes i cry angry tears because i still feel so much anger towards her. Feel bad about it all.
Anyway - my crutch[s] have all gone now, so a life of sobriety for me. Hmmm. Sucks but needs to be done. Also - at the weekend a friend hinted that i might have a slight drinking problem - not the case at all. But i wanted to blow out and i wanted to drink. Pah. Anyway, that's made me paranoid now so i've not had a drink since saturday night. Just to proove a point to myself.
A friend from work who told me years ago she was a lebanonion is leaving this friday. I'm loosing an ally. So we're going out for drinks. Might play out

But I'm ignoring that

Right - dealt with N last night. She had awful look of horror on her face and I felt like a total bitch but anyway we had a quick drink and essentially I've just crapped all over really lovely [far too emotionally immature and naïve] girl who I had no inclination to have a relationship with … moving on intit.

My next hurdle is work … got loads stacked up and the pressure is on. Need to focus on and commit more time to it. Concentrate Lilly!

After that refering back to plan … my husband appears to be panicking that I'm seriously leaving him. This morning he pinned me down in bed .. Sort of like you'd do early on in a relationship when everything is all giddy and shagtastic and I could tell it wasn't supposed to be sinister - just desperate. Only I got scared and panicked and nearly hyperventilated. The weight of him on me was excruciating. The closeness of his face with unpleasant. I sort of went a little hyserical and he had to calm me down. I think he's realized how damaged he's made me or I've let myself become. It was way too much after the past 5 months. It must be awful for him to want me now and want to try to fix us but to know any attempt could go terribly wrong and that his own wife is frightened of him. Pah. I am trying though. I do want to fall in love again - just not with him heheh, I do want security and safety. I just don't associate any of that with him. It feels impossible that I could ever feel comfortable in his presence again let alone initiate any physical activities. And yes I know I'm morally corrupt having slept with rather a lot of people over the years and he is blissfully unaware of that. Makes me the baddy too n'est pas?
I'm also sporting a new bruise courtesy of a slap given to calm me down. He doesn't get it. How do I love that? He is much stronger mentally than 5 months ago though, and its good to see him tackling life again. I don't feel like it could go too far anymore and that I am not longer in danger so that's a good thing. Perhaps the compromise is that. He won't terrify me again and I stay with him … and for 15 years its been exceptable for him to dole out the occaisional back hander and we managed to get through it …

So yeah I'm getting a grip.

Its as close as I can get to describing it. My head doctor [who I am going back to see later on this week] asked me to describe my brain and how generally usless I feel it is. Essentially pretty much since my dad died and due to the way my relationship ended abruptly with my husband at that time and then watching my mum die only months later, I've been having some pretty rubbish times with my head. Don't sleep at night, fight sleep off all day long, find it hard to concentrate on anyone thing … which can be as mad as the shopping list, to putting clothes on. Some self harming which has now settled back into recreational drug use, getting as low as to frighten myself and a few attempts of serious self harm - a women of my standing and at my age tut!. Attempting to get a grip and then repeating the cycle. I think I've tried asking for help, I think I've done well with going through the motions, but I'm tired .. My brain is tired of all these thoughts. This is the way I've tried to describe it all:

Its like a noise allways going on in the background .. Like a hum .. Sometimes you can drown it out but most of the time you can allways hear it. [No am not schtzo]
I can't ever turn my brain off. If I drink enough, or take a strong enough hit its fantastic … like ear plugs for the brain… but when conciousness creeps in I'm 100% worse .. Still half baked and thoughts everywhere.
Like you get hold of a strand of thought and want to see it through the end .. But its like the thought is being strobed and becomes disjointed and confusing.
I feel like my brain is a carbonated drink and someone has shaken me and the bubbles are building up this pressure inside my head and I think I'm going to burst.
Hurty Brain
Undergoing heavy shelling from thought bombs
Sometimes it affects my vision too … like all these thoughts .. Like a clattering noise my eyes loose focus and go blury. Possibly the 3 -4 hours of dissjointed sleep I've been getting for months.

Anyway - my husband did move back into the bed last night .. This is why I'm feeling much shakier and worse today. Godam him. Wish he'd just drop off the face of the planet. So we're sort of back together again. At least I don't risk loosing my boy this way which is the most important thing. You see this is why it would be good to be able to think right now .. As I think this is right and the right thing to do .. But I've got this nagging doubt its wrong. Like I'm loosing focus of what I'm supposed to be doing.. But I'm tired. Like I say… and yeah … subs … you're right .. Bad timing for big life decisions right now ...

My mum and my dad have died in the past 5 months and the advice ... get a grip. I can't see past the next hour let alone the next week or year .. whatever.

I remember 3 weeks after my father died a friend said 'you can't dine out on this forever' .. and i was shocked. Someone else 'we don't know what to say to you anymore' just after my mum ended her treatment and we knew she had weeks left. Another person 'i can't cope with you when you're like this' two weeks before my mum died. Incredible - i feel quite angry and glad i was raised to look out for people. Its scarey how many callus people there are in the world. Perhaps they are the universal balance .. to prevent all us free loving airy fairy types a fair shot at making the world a nicer place.

I rang up the samaritans this morning just to talk to someone who would listen to me .. i'm frightened. If i don't have my boy then i don't know what i'd do and had to verbalise it. I've also decided to try getting a grip, to get back with my husband. To realize that this takes away the fear of loosing my son and that its up to me to cope and i have to do it. So tonight, i'm asking him if he wants to move back upstairs. That's getting a grip. I am doing the right thing and i can fix it all. It is still fucking shit though.

Yesterday:

Made up fib about requiring the dentist yesterday afternoon. Left just after 3 and was home in my pjs with a bottle of vodka and a splif in my mouth by 4pm. The evening went as follows.
Drank half a small bottle of vodka
Smoked a lot of weed
6pm - turned tv off and played piano for a couple of hours - crying as I went.
8pm - recognized need for food - ate a waffle
9pm - ART and coke. Drew a picture of my mum and wrote what I wanted to say to her - believing at the time what I was writing was profound and meaningful. Planned on taking it out to the furnace to burn - like somehow she'd hear me that way. Decided me and fire not good idea.
11pm back on the sofa more vodka and weed. Dropped off with every blink.
Crawled up stairs and wailed myself to sleep.
On rising at 8am I noticed what I'd written was a load of needy childish crap. And the picture looks like it was drawn by a talentless ape - not too far from the truth heh. Might still burn it but for other reasons entirely.

Today:

I have a hangover. My eyes are blood shot. I don't feel like even trying to be happy or smiley today. I no longer care that I'm on my own .. I'm not hurting anyone ay!

A load of 'the kids' are going out after work to the pub. I have my car. And I'm not sure I should be out with people who don't get me. What if I have a dark mental attack. These are the kids I'm supposed to 'lead'. Can't really risk looking like a tit. I do that anyway without emotional issues. I'll see how I feel when I'm done with the day. I'm thinking a night alone with my assortment of narcotic friends may be a better option.
Another option is to park car at friends house and walk to pub .. Get taxi back and figure out how to retreive car in the morning. Or not drink.
So, its not like I'm without options.
Oh and I should have handed in my repeat prozac prescription. I've run out today - can't get anymore until Monday now … 48 hours to turn the prescription around. I nearly broke down in tears when the receptionist told me but had no energy to talk to the women so just walked away quietly.

My son is fine and having as blast with his other family … the one that has people who are alive.

Got to get a grip. Departure imminent and its only for 3 nights but i don't want to let him go. What do i do without him. I don't know how to do this on my own.

So little person feeling tip topperty now which is much relief. Cept we're still stuck in doors at least until tomorrow.
Also ... when my husband got home last night i presented him with his dinner and left the house immaculate. Got my son into bed and drove straight round to my suppliers house ... loaded up. Husband went out and i spent the next 4 hours alternating between weed and coke. Nice. Oddly though my mood has yet to darken. So that's 3 months sobriety down the swany.
Today is my mums memorial. I'm yet again person most horrid ... no one believes my son is sick and think i've made the entire thing up to avoid to trip and the experience. Espesh my aunty who left me a lovely voice mail yesterday explaining how i've allways been irresponsible and my mum would be ashamed of me. I never made an effort and turn everything into the lilly show and how frankly she washes her hands of me and how i'm a failure and a joke etc ... Fab. Still mood hasn't darkened.
Today i'm going to shower and bake nice things to eat. Watch crappy pixar films and we're going to draw what we can see from our window this afternoon. The last time we did this we had a lovely tranquill couple of hours ... when i checked little mans drawing he'd including a giant man eating crocodile in his panorama. Heh.
2 more sleeps till the men go ... not sure if its going to be a relief to essentially let my guard down or if, once the 'grounding' influence of my little boy is gone what i'm going to end up doing. I can feel panick bubbling away underneath it all ... me and solitude. Solitude and me.
The 29th heralds 2 things. The first month anniversary of my mums death. A good friends birthday. Everyone is right .. need to stop turning everything into the lilly show. So i'm going to make sure my friend get his bday presents as everyone should have a present to open on their birthday and attempt to hold it all together - remember the butterfly effect. I need distracting but my back up plan b is to drink and attempt to numb my head. Coming home to empty house on the 29th is something i did on the day she died ... and its stored away inside my head .. how i felt, how i realized i'm 33 and just this tiny insignificant spec of shit. How i had to tackle every from now on as someone who has no parents. Overwhelming.
Oh and ironically i am back to being spotty. Really mega spotty. Joy.

Good:
my boy is on the mend. Left with a cough and the snots .. Temp has gone. Hazzar!
Bad:
d day on tuesday and i'm not there. When i have time to myself at the end of the week i'll spend some time thinking and remembering.
The ugle:
i've died my hair purple by accident. Shit